Gaslighting?
We have this ongoing debate in our family. The paint in our main living area is tan-colored, but my daughter tells me that it’s green. She sees it as green. I put a green plant next to it, and the contrast is striking (because the paint is clearly a brown hue), but she still sees the paint as green. I believe I have the more reasonable perception of the color since the name of the paint is “khaki.” Some skilled color-professional named it khaki. Still my daughter insists it’s green.
Gaslighting is a popular term used these days. It refers to psychologically manipulating someone to convince them that his or her reality is not true. The goal is to gain power and control over the victim. Gaslighting is a malicious, intentional act, yet I hear the term used anytime there is a difference in perception about what happened. “My husband gave me ridiculous reasons for why he did what he did: He’s gaslighting me.” “My sister won’t agree that our parents treated us badly. She’s gaslighting me.” These examples (and so many more) are of differences in understanding, but when we label them as gaslighting, we make the other person out to be meaner than they actually are. Different understandings do not imply malicious intent.
I am always shocked when someone perceives something differently than I do. My first tendency is to think they are wrong. Obviously. Then, when I listen to more of the story (really listen), I often see why someone would see it differently than I do. For example, a professional painter referred to the paint on our walls as green (darn it). Maybe I’m not as right as I think I am.
Consider when someone listens to us (really listens) and works to see our perspective. It feels nice, doesn’t it? It is easier to be in relationship with others when they try to see things from our point of view. You can see where I’m going with this (love your neighbor as yourself and all). It is better for our relationships (yea, even our communities) when we try to see things from others’ perspectives. In addition, it is harder to stay attached to people when we make them out to be meaner than they actually are. To say that someone is gaslighting you is almost certainly going to have a negative impact on your relationship.
Bottom line: It is better when we work to see other people’s perspectivesinstead of writing off someone as gaslighting us.
Is my daughter gaslighting me by insisting that our walls are green? No. Does she have a different perspective? For sure. Can we learn to live with each other regardless of the difference. Absolutely (at least until she’s 18 years old).
Written By: Veronica Johnson, PsyD
