Written by Dr. Veronica Johnson
First question: Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?
Second question: Did you ask for it?
When I suggest to my clients that they have to ask for what they want (in general, not just for Christmas), they almost always balk at me. “It doesn’t count if I have to ask for it!” they say. And I disagree. (Since I’m the professional, I think my opinion should get two votes.) So we keep talking and it usually turns out that my client believes their spouse or their boss or their parent or their adult child should just… KNOW. They should just know!
My boss should just know that I want a raise.
My wife should just know that I want her to make breakfast for me.
My adult child should just know that I want to talk to them.
My dad should just know that I want them his help with this project.
I’m in the field of mental health which means I’m invested in keeping folks attached to reality. Ergo, part of my job is to tell people that it is not realistic to expect others to read our minds. In relationships we have to ask for what we want. It doesn’t matter how much they love you, they do not just know. I encourage you to let go of that expectation. Joy is on the other side.
I often give the example of when I doll myself up for a date night. On these nights, I spend extra time getting ready, I put on extra makeup, I might even put on God-forsaken nylons. I want my efforts to be appreciated by my husband, so I ask for it. I say to him, “Sometime tonight, I want you to tell me that I look nice.” (Background note: I’ve learned my husband is an internal processor and while he often thinks to himself that I look nice, he doesn’t naturally say it out loud. I don’t benefit from his thoughts, so if I want the appreciation, I have to ask him to say it with words.) Does the fact that I asked for him to say it take away from his appreciation? Nope. Not at all. When I tell him what I want, I’m far more likely to get it. Don’t you think that’s better than not getting what I wanted?
Three Things to Deep in Mind when You Ask for What You Want:
1. Be clear and specific. Don’t hedge, don’t hint, don’t beat around the bushes. If you want your husband to make you dinner, don’t say, “I don’t want to cook tonight.” Chances are he’ll spend money to make you happy and then you aren’t getting what you want. Say, “I’d love it if you could make me dinner sometime this week.”
2. Give a time frame. Help your person succeed by giving them an idea of when you’re hoping this will occur. If you want your son to empty the dishwasher within the next hour, be sure to say, “within the next hour.” Shorter time frames have the benefit of short-term memory. Longer time frames feel a little less controlling to the other person.
3. Accept what is offered. If you criticize what your person offers, you aren’t likely to get a positive response the next time you ask. Controlling and manipulating will get you the opposite of what you want. Gratitude will generally get you more of what you want.
If you tend to have a hard time asking for what you want, consider checking out an old book called, How to Have that Difficult Conversation by Henry Cloud. It gives very specific advice on how to talk directly about hard things.
