Own Your Feelings 

By: Veronica Johnson

I was driving down I-25 the other day with plenty of time to get to my next appointment.  I’m often in a rush, but after looking at the clock I told myself, “I’m not worried!” A moment later, I looked at my speedometer and I was going quite fast – much faster than the legal speed limit. This caught my attention. 

Another time I was getting dinner ready and finalizing all the pieces of the meal. I thought I was fine, when I snapped at the last person to the table and then criticized someone about some chores that had not been done. (It’s a real mystery why no one wants to help me get dinner ready!)

In both these cases, I was not aware of my feelings in the moment. I was also, in fact, feeling something. I was worried about getting somewhere on time. I was angry (and hungry). We may not be aware of our emotion, but that doesn’t mean the emotion is not alive in us.

If We Aren’t Aware of our Emotion, We Act It. 

Even though I was not aware of being worried, I was acting worried by speeding. Even though I was not aware of being hangry (it’s a real thing!), I acted hangry by having a short temper.  When we are having big emotions, but aren’t aware of them, we usually make others feel bad, even when that’s not our intention. Someone feeling anxious tends to control others. Someone feeling ashamed makes others feel small. 

I remember someone telling me she wasn’t a big feeler, and then a little later she admitted to drinking 7 beers a night. Let’s be honest: she’s not drinking that much for the health benefits. If we don’t own our emotion, we act it.

Now, most of the time, we’re just fine – there’s really nothing to be aware of because we’re just moving through life. This is normal and good. (Don’t let anyone shame you for not feeling something every moment!) There are other times when something is going on inside of us and it’s good to be aware of it.

Owning It

Once we notice that we’re feeling something, it’s good to own it. Owning our emotion means admitting that it’s there. It’s admitting the feeling is mine. I’m feeling worry.  This is my anger. I’m sad. Once we own that the emotion is mine, we can do something about it. When I’m scared, I take precaution. When I am lonely, I reach out to connect with someone. When I’m embarrassed about how I just cut someone off in traffic, I work harder at driving better. Importantly, I don’t require other people to be responsible for my emotion. 

When we own our feelings, we are less likely to make it about someone else (“These drivers are crazy!”). We are less likely to blame others for it (“No one wants to be with me.”). We are less likely to act out our feelings in hurtful ways. Instead, we are more likely to deal with the emotion productively and make it to the other side with fewer casualties. 

Purely Hypothetical Example

Let’s say I’m feeling sad about a situation but don’t really want to deal with it. I push that feeling away and pretend like things are fine. Realistically, I would be lower energy than usual, more mopey. I might avoid eye contact and avoid doing hard tasks (these are just natural results when we feel sad). Inevitably, I give off sad vibes. My husband gives me a bit more space and stops asking me about things, probably because he thinks I am upset at him. (And let’s be real, it probably IS about him.) At this point (since I’m not owning the sadness), I start to interpret my husband’s behavior as distancing and assume he doesn’t want to be with me. 

(Can you see how not owning our sadness muddles things in a relationship?  How it can make things worse?)

Take that same scenario and change it around a little (and this, of course is always how I act, cough cough). I’m sad about a situation, but I tell my husband I’m feeling sad (I own it). I still go through life and would be lower energy than usual, more mopey. I would avoid eye contact and doing hard tasks (remember, these are just natural results when we feel sad). I still give off the same sad vibes, but I’m also processing the situation, I’m asking my spouse for a hug, I’m crying when the tears come (all productive ways of facing sadness). Instead of acting in ways that push others away, I’m asking for help, I’m moving through the sadness, I’m working toward resolving the sadness. (And yes, we can admit this is a very simplified example.)

Bottom line: owning our emotion changes the trajectory of what happens when we feel a hard emotion. It leads to connection and resolution. It is worth trying out.