A while ago, a study was published that found kids don’t understand the meaning of the word no. The researchers concluded parents and teachers should not bother telling kids no. They said setting limits hurts their self-esteem. This news was widely spread. By the time I was raising my young children, I knew a woman who didn’t tell her children no. Instead, she said “Make a better choice, friend.”
This study has grown into a movement that believes it is important to not give children limits. The idea seems reasonable at times. We want our children to try new things! We want them to explore the world! We don’t want to hurt their little feelings.
Not Setting Limits Creates Problems
The problem is that reality includes limits. Our bodies were not meant to ingest unlimited amounts of food. Our brains are not able to stay awake for unlimited amounts of time. Our friends are not able to listen to unlimited amounts of complaints (without rolling their eyes). As long as we are living on this planet, we will bump into limits. The sooner we realize this, the less damage done.
When kids are not taught to set limits they encounter problems:
- Obesity can be the result of consistently not telling kids, “No, I won’t buy you candy.”
- Bullying can be the result of consistently not telling kids, “No, you can’t hit me (or anyone)!”
- Social isolation can be the result of consistently not telling kids, “No, you can’t demand that others always do what you want.”
In addition, kids without limits experience more anxiety than kids whose parents set limits. Think of a game without limits – like Calvin-Ball – it’s unpredictable and chaotic. When no one sets limits, the child ends up feeling in charge. Kids know deep down that they should not be in charge because they do not have enough experience. They become more and more anxious as they navigate the world without a structure. Kids also don’t learn the skill of self-discipline. We learn to set limits on ourselves when someone else does it first.
Setting Limits Communicates Care
When there are established rules in a home (that are followed through with consequences), kids know where the boundary is and they know what will happen when they cross it. There is safety in consistent cause and effect. There is something inherent in setting rules that communicates to kids that their parent cares about them. “No, you can’t go to that party.” “No, you can’t be out that late.” “No, you can’t make that noise over and over without any consideration to the people around you.”
Inherent in the rules is protection and guidance. We say no to kids because the activity, behavior or person is not good for them, because they’re more likely to be hurt in major ways. In his book 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson says it this way: “Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.” If you dislike them, others will also.
Being told no is a bummer for kids. They want what they want after all. They have no problem letting parents know their displeasure. (Can you say, “Understatement??”) Yet it’s so important for parents to face their children’s tantrums, resistance, and pushback in loving, strong ways. Love always includes warmth and closeness as well as structure and rules.
If you are a parent and are having a hard time setting limits, consider parent coaching as an option. Learn how to set loving limits for your child and learn what to do when your kid pushes back. Your relationship with your child is worth it.
Written By: Dr. Veronica Johnson, Licensed Psychologist
April 21, 2025
