Written by Marissa Halstead
If you’re like me, you may have never heard of intrusive thoughts before. Even though I am trained as a counselor and have been practicing for years, somehow the concept of intrusive thoughts never came up in my schooling. Intrusive thoughts can be defined as thoughts, ideas, or images that come to mind that are unwanted and sometimes very disturbing. The reason why I wanted to write about this topic in particular is to help someone feel less alone. Like I said before, I had no idea what they were…until I experienced them for myself.
I had my daughter in March of 2023 which was one of the most challenging and rewarding things that I have ever done. Her birth went a little differently than planned (that is a story for another time) but I made it home with a healthy baby and I was thrilled to begin my journey as a new mother. I have a fabulous support system around me and I was ready for the sleepless nights and everything else that goes along with having a newborn. Postpartum is known for giving mothers intense hormonal shifts that can lead to anxious and depressive symptoms. My daughter’s pediatrician would give me a depression scale whenever I took her to an appointment and my scores were always fine. I did not describe myself as anxious nor depressed, but I knew that something was not exactly right.
I vividly remember the first time that I had an intrusive thought. My daughter was about two weeks old and I carried her down the stairs, just as I did every day, and an image popped into my head of myself falling down the stairs and crushing her. I remember physically stopping in my tracks and saying out loud, “What in the world?” I have never fallen down the stairs and I had not been anxious about that happening up until that point. This thought was random and very troubling to say the least. From then on, I had frequent thoughts of my body giving out when I held my daughter and her (or both of us) getting injured in some way. Some of these images are so vivid and gruesome that I do not want to type them out. Thankfully they have gone away for the most part, but I still get them from time to time.
Intrusive thoughts can vary in content. Some people have thoughts of harming another person, his or herself, or just something that is generally disturbing. Intrusive thoughts rarely actually come true, but that does not mean that it makes them less bothersome. I am in a unique situation, as many of my close friends are also counselors. I shared with some of my closest friends what I experienced, which helped alleviate the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts can make you feel as if you are going crazy, since they can be so disturbing and so out of character. I knew that letting my thoughts fester in isolation would only make them worse, so I knew it was imperative that I tell someone about them. I was not a risk to myself nor others, but I wanted to bring my dark experiences into the light.
Other than talking with my friends to help manage the stress of my intrusive thoughts, I practiced mindfulness. Every day I would slowly breathe in so deeply that the oxygen would completely fill my lungs. I would exhale this same breath slowly, too. This would help me feel more relaxed, less frantic, and ground me back to my body and reality. I would also use visualization techniques where I would picture the intrusive thoughts leaving my mind and peace entering to replace them. I am a big fan of having a personal mantra for hard times. Whenever I feel out of control, I will tell myself (yes, out loud), “I am safe. I am a good mom.” The haunting images of some intrusive thoughts can mess with your sense of worth, so I recommend speaking truth over yourself instead. It’s easier to get unhelpful thoughts to leave when you have a thought ready to replace it with.
I wanted to share a part of my story so that other postpartum mother’s might feel less alone. I am a counselor and was not immune to intrusive thoughts infiltrating my own life. If you find yourself confused on where to go next, I have an option for you! My coworkers, Michelle and Jessica, are hosting a group specifically for postpartum mothers starting this Summer! Group therapy is a great way that you can express your thoughts, feelings, fears, and everything in between in a safe and caring environment. Shame thrives in isolation, so I encourage you to share your experiences with other trustworthy people. Seeking out an individual counselor is always a good option too. Becoming a first time mother or adding onto your family is no small feat, so take the time to pour into yourself and your mental health – you’re worth it!
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