A WORD FROM Dr Veronica…
You know I have to write about Inside Out 2! I mean – a movie all about feeling emotions, facing hard things, and finding strength in relationships? I eat that stuff up!! And bonus: The main character (Riley) has parents that are together and don’t die! (Parents in the Disney universe don’t have long life spans.)
Here’s what I love: the movie teaches us anxiety is NOT the absence of negative experiences or flaws. Anxiety happens when we avoid negative things.
Sometimes I see someone wearing a T-shirt with the phrase: Be Kind. I’m not sure if they think a little reminder is all I need in order to take away my self-focused, frazzled impatience. I want to be kind, but I am not always kind. When I justify my unkindness, or pretend that I wasn’t as blatantly unkind as I really was, I’m avoiding facing this flaw in myself. I ignore that I hurt someone else. It may seem like a little thing, but I’m setting myself up for anxiety. Anxiety develops when we have a pattern of avoiding negative experiences (including the negative experience of realizing we are not nice).
Part of our learning during life needs to include that we are flawed. Christian circles call it sin. Mental health circles call it the shadow. There is bad in us. The more we come to accept that there is bad in us, and deal with it productively, the less anxiety will knock at our door. Dealing with our bad productively can be reaching out to those around us, admitting, confessing, apologizing… In the movie, relationships, love and forgiveness play a big part in Riley being able to face her bad parts (you’ll have to watch it if you want to know more!). In fact, I’d say our relationships with others and our attachment to God allow us to face ourselves as we really are with courage, grace, and humility (the antidotes for anxiety).
Favorite quote from the movie is when Riley’s mom’s emotions say: “Welcome back anxiety.” You have to watch the credits to catch this little gem.
PARENT COACHING| What is that?!
“Parenting is the easiest job I’ve ever had,” said no one ever!
Same with “Parenting just comes so naturally.” It just doesn’t. Parenting is hard. There is physical strain on a new mother.There is relational strain as a couple welcomes a new human into their family. There is the emotional strain of loving your child so much, and needing to face their upset when we set boundaries. There is the emotional strain of wanting to make sure your child does well in life, but realizing we don’t have ultimate control. There is the emotional strain of hoping they will be in your life as you age. You get the idea…
We want to do well by our children. We want them to be healthy mentally and physically. We want them to do the right thing. We pray they grow up to be successful members of society, share our values, and have loving relationships. We want to know what to do as parents, and often we just don’t know what to do.
Parenting is tricky. Just when we feel comfortable with one stage of parenting, along comes a new stage to navigate! There are many cultural expectations set on parents that seem good, but may conflict with your convictions. Advice from our family and friends can be helpful, but some advice may not seem to “work” for your child. Reading a book on parenting can give us ideas, but it can also make us feel like a failure.
People talk about a mental health crisis in our kids. They seem to struggle with facing normal developmental tasks, like taking tests, getting a driver’s license, and launching. Our kids use words like, panic attack, dysphoria, and suicide as though they are vocabulary words in 7th grade English class. We want so much for them, but some are hardly functioning.
This is when parent coaching can be helpful.
Parent coaches are mental health therapists with expertise in parenting and child development. In a parent coaching session, a parent coach offers expertise in evidence-based strategies to address a wide array of challenges. They also support you as the expert on your child. They can help you look at the big picture and offer a neutral perspective. They will listen to your family values to help you troubleshoot situations. They can educate, support, and empower you to become the parent you want to be. You will work together as a team to find solutions that work for you and your family.
Parent coaching can be more effective than sending kids to therapy. Your brain is more developed than your child’s brain! You understand the situation better than your kids and can make changes you believe will be helpful for the whole family. Parents also tend to use coaching effectively (get in, get help, get out) since they are paying for it. Parent coaching also reduces over-diagnosing kids because the problem is framed in terms of figuring out what to do that will be most helpful to the family.
If you have questions, consider meeting with one of our therapists. You can share the situation in which you find yourself. Sometimes just speaking things out loud takes away some of the fear and shame. You may also find out that your child is “within normal limits” (in other words – take a deep breath, this too shall pass). When things are not within normal limits, you can be strengthened to face this next heart-wrenching season and given ideas on how to love your child well.
Here are some of our therapists that specialize in parent coaching:
We are here for you – call today to get on the schedule!
